Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
