You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
