The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Randomize
