Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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