homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
