the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
