No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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