So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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