Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
