he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
