he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
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I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.