Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
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oh god was she eating orange peels again
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
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Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him