Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Sext me about skeletons
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
