but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
