I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
