He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
