Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
