I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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