im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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