she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
