im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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