I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
