My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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