i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
