I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
