No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
