Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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