I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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