There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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