you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I need to align my fucking chakras
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
