Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
