thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
