I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
