Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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