if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
