Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
