He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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