Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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