I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
