I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
