new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
