My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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