i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
