I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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