I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
