Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
