Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
