Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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