It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
