Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Is it penis luge time yet?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
