I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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