I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
