Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We had to coat check the pizza.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
