Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
