she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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