a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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