I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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