Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
