Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
