8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
